So my dad’s hemoglobin level went down again, so he’s going to be in the hospital another night, which seriously sucks because I have a 6 am flight tomorrow morning back to Cuse and I won’t get to say bye tomorrow. I have to say it today and I didn’t do such a good job of saying bye last time because like I said, it really gets to me to leave him by himself in the hospital. :/ I wish I could move my flight to Saturday but it’s non-refundable and I know my dad wants me to go back to school asap. Tonight’s gonna be rough. On the bright side, at least it’s only a tear in his esophagus and a stomach ulcer so he just has to stop eating spicy food. Because I know this will be very difficult for my dad (he only, and I really mean ONLY, eats foods that are spicy) I think I’m going to stop eating spicy food for a while too. I feel bad eating it when he can’t. Anyway, that’s it tumblr. I’m very grateful that my dad is going to be okay, but I still get worried, ya know? He’s my dad. My hero. At least there’s tumblr for some ventage. And now I’m off to pick up my sister from school then pay another visit to the hospital!
I’m so freaking happy for you, you have no idea! And proud! Take a gazillion pictures, make lots of friends, broaden your horizons, and learn more about yourself! This was meant for you. I’m so glad you get to be apart of such a wonderful thing. Congrats again :)
So the endoscopy is over and thank goodness my dad only has a stomach ulcer. I wish I could go visit him at the hospital right now but the ICU has very strict visiting times and the next visiting time starts at 1:30. Ugh. But he has to spend another night in the hospital tonight and will be discharged tomorrow. I know it’s killing him to be in bed for so long. A big thanks goes to all my family and friends (including you, Gracie! love you!) who prayed for it to just be a stomach ulcer and nothing else. It could have been anything. Thank goodness it wasn’t worse, which it easily could have been. My mom, her friend, and my grandma just left for their flight to Syracuse. I might leave either tomorrow night or Friday morning. Still not sure. I just need to stay for a little while and see. Once again, thanks for the prayers.
It is currently 12:34 am. This has been a rough day. I’m so tired and I want to sleep but I can’t, knowing that my dad is in the hospital all by himself with an IV in one arm and a blood transfusion happening on the other arm. So instead of sleeping, I’ll vent about my feelings and whatnot here.
This all started yesterday, Monday. My dad is a really busy doctor. He never complains and if he gets sick, he sucks it up. He’s never skipped work for being sick. Ever. In his entire freaking life. A couple of years ago my dad had to deal with a heart stint issue and he was fine. There was just some blockage going on and they took care of it over a 4 day weekend. He didn’t want to miss any work. That was the first time ever that my dad has had to be admitted to the hospital for something. My dad sees about 100 patients a day. Sometimes a little more. That number isn’t an exaggeration. But yesterday, as soon as I picked up my sister from school and got home, I got a call from my cousin telling me that I need to go to my dad’s clinic and pick him up because he isn’t feeling well. This freaked me out because he never stops seeing his patients. When I got there he looked so weak lying down on the couch in his office. He couldn’t move and he could barely keep his eyes open. Dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, diarrhea, and just general weakness all over were the symptoms he had. He couldn’t walk to the car so I sat there with him in his office and he said he’d leave once his nurse practitioner saw the rest of his patients for him. We thought it was food poisoning or something. I took him home and he quickly tried to get up the stairs, almost falling. His room was locked for some reason and I couldn’t find the right key so he stumbled into my sister’s room and went straight for the floor to lie down. He couldn’t get up because he was just so tired. Finally we unlocked his room and he went straight to the bathroom. After him being in there a while, we realized he was lying down on the ground there because it felt better to him. The ground was cold so it cooled him down cause he was sweating. After 30 minutes or so, we were finally able to get him up to his bed. He spent the rest of the day sleeping. No food. Nothing to drink. This morning, my mom said it was time to get him to the hospital for sure. We would have taken him yesterday but he didn’t want to yesterday. He’s a doctor and doctors can be stubborn about that sort of thing. He didn’t think it was necessary. But this morning, he knew it was. He couldn’t eat or drink anything this morning either so we had to get him to the hospital to get an IV in so that he wouldn’t get dehydrated. I spent the whole day sitting in the room with him. Every time my mom would try to get me to get up to get food or just move around, I did it quite reluctantly. I can’t explain to anyone how difficult it is for me to leave him by himself. Even if he’s “going to be okay” and even if he doesn’t have to have someone there. Apparently it wasn’t food poisoning. His hemoglobin level was at 8 and it should be around 15 for men. So that’s what was making him weak. He got a blood transfusion. Also, he has to get an endoscopy cause they think it’s a stomach ulcer and they need to confirm the source of the blood loss. They can’t do the endoscopy until tomorrow morning because the doctor isn’t available till then. I can’t stand to see my dad that weak and just so helpless. I was giving him ice chips since his mouth was so dry and he wasn’t allowed to swallow them, only spit them out, since you have to keep your stomach completely empty for the endoscopy. But he was smiling every time I’d talk to him. Also, I got to ride in an ambulance for the first time in my life. This was when they were transferring him from Memorial Hermann hospital to Texas Medical Center only about 20 minutes away because he wanted a family friend to handle the job instead. But the dudes in the ambulance were total idiots and took forever to figure out how to take the IV fluid bag off the thing it was on and connect to my dad’s stretcher. I wanted to punch them in the face. Anyway, the guy told me to sit up front. And the other guy sat in the back. I wish I got to sit in the back though with my dad. It would have made for a much more exciting first-time-ever-ambulance-ride. I told my dad this later and he laughed. Bah, I already miss my dad. I know he’s going to be okay but it drives me insane not being there. And I’m supposed to fly back to Syracuse tomorrow for school but that’s definitely not happening. Until he’s home, resting for at least a couple days, I’m not going back. So my mom, my grandma, and my mom’s friend are going as planned to pick up my car that’s going to be shipped (Someone has to sign off on it). This was added stress. Figuring out how we were going go to Syracuse. But I told them to go without me and I’d come on Thursday or most likely Friday. Cause someone has to go for that stupid car but I can’t leave. No way. All four of us were already going to go in the first place so that they could see my new apartment and help move me in and whatnot but I’m just going to join them later. I love my mom though for going even though my dad’s dealing with all this. She’s strong. I know it’s really hard for her but she’s so strong. I cried on the car ride back from the hospital…because it was almost impossible to leave him there. They don’t allow people stay overnight in the ICU. Or else I’d be over there right now. Believe me. I hate this.
What if one day in the future, it gets decided that the Internet must be shut down? Like, what if the government just decided it was way too destructive to society and they completely took it away from the country…or the whole world? What would that be like? I can’t even imagine it. I can’t imagine a world without the Internet. How would people perform research? I know people can still look at books and stuff but I mean the Internet stores so much information in one place. If you took that away, people would have to put in so much more effort to do things. Getting rid of the Internet? How crazy would that be? Oh gosh, it’d be terrible. There would be chaos all over the place. I don’t know why I started thinking of this. Oh wait, actually I do know why. I was on YouTube and saw on the right-hand side of the homepage that the Internet is being nominated for the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize “in recognition of its positive impact on humanity.” I didn’t even know that was possible. Like, seriously. The freaking Internet can get a Nobel Peace Prize. Weird, right? Man…this world gets crazier every day.
I need to see Matt Costa perform at the Bowery Ballroom on November 4th in New York City. But how? How, how, how?! I really don’t want to drive 4 1/2 hours from Syracuse. And he’s going to be in three different cities in Texas later in November, but I can’t fly down for those dates. Arghh, why couldn’t he in be Texas when I was home for the summer?! I need to see him somehow :(
There’s a sale at Gap for jeans! Buy one pair and get the other for $20! This may not sound like much of a deal to you but Gap jeans aren’t cheap! Ever! 60 bucks is usually the minimum. Anyway, if you’re a fan of Gap jeans (because they’re super comfortable) like I am, head on over there sooooon. And I get that most people don’t want to pay that much for a pair of jeans, but look at this way: jeans are a very important investment. Paying for an expensive pair that’s sturdy and will last a very long time is much better than constantly paying for cheap ones from places like Forever 21 (which I am definitely guilty of doing) that quickly lose their shape and wash and become, well, useless. You’re saving money! Nevertheless, I’m a happy camper right now.
I bought Essie’s “Jazz” color recently and finally put it on today. It came out so pretty! And since I know you love nude shades, I wanted to let you know to check this one out if you don’t already know about it! I absolutely love it :)
So, I was just reading this incredible article about James Franco on Esquire’s website. He’s on the cover of the September issue. It’s called “James Franco Eight Ways.” I’m constantly amazed by everything James Franco does with his life. My friends know I’m a big Franco fan. But people may have the wrong idea about me and they may think that I just have this obsession with him because he’s attractive or whatever, but that isn’t it. Yes, I know he’s attractive. I’m fully aware. But for someone I’ve never even met, I think he is one of the most interesting people on the planet. He is a writer, an actor, an artist, a student, and so much more. The roles he chooses to play spark my interest. What he chooses to study in school and the particular schools he chooses to attend for those subjects spark my interest. His love for art and painting and photography and everything gritty and raw and real sparks my interest. He doesn’t care if you aren’t impressed by him. He just does what he knows he loves to do. He enjoys school more than acting. He has a thirst for knowledge like no other. I could go on and on about his many projects, but I won’t. But while I was reading the article a little while ago, it got me thinking…why do I care so much? Why do I always want to know so much about famous people I admire? That’s including musical artists and bands, actors, whatever. If I like them, I want to know more and more about them and their lives. I’m not talking about tabloid magazines. Not that kind of interest. More like their thoughts on their lives and their work and things like that. I like to know how they got where they are and why they’re still there. It’s kind of weird to say this but if I was on the internet and I saw a link somewhere for Esquire’s article and it mentioned James Franco and how it shows “five perspectives” of him - “as a profile, a short story, a personal history, an art exhibition, and even a poem” - if i came across that but for some reason decided not to click on it, I would have later felt like I was missing out on something. Like I was missing out on someone cool. Someone worth learning more about. Like I said, I was already a big of James Franco, but I still get excited to read something about him. And then all this got me thinking…is there anybody out there that would go to such great lengths to not miss out on the details of my life? I mean why do I care about people that I don’t even know? What am I getting out of it? I don’t know what I’m getting out of it. But I’m always wanting more and more out of life and I’m never fully satisfied. I want to know everything and I want to live more and be adventurous and do stupid things and I want to be smart about it at the same time. Of course what I’m saying now has only a little to do with James Franco but as you can see by the title of this blog, I’m allowing my mind to ramble. I want to be so many things at once and I’m so jealous of James Franco and his dedication in gaining knowledge about the literary and visual and performing arts from so many schools. I want that kind of guts. I want to be confident enough in my 30s to realize I can just keep going and going and learning and learning and not think that “I’m too old for this.” I’m only 18 now but that doesn’t stop me from constantly wishing to have live a very full life. I just finished my first year of college and I didn’t do anything remarkable. Sure I made myself get out of my comfort zone and I became friends with people who I never thought I’d befriend but I really didn’t do anything. I could have done so much more. I don’t know what but I know there’s a billion ideas out there with my name on them that need to be played out in this world because I’m 18 years old and I want to be worth something. I want to be worth something early on. I’m not saying I want to be famous. I just want the ability to say that I dove into this world with a completely open heart and mind and got a little crazy with it.
If you know me at all, you know that I love spicy food. I seriously love it with a passion. But today, I had one of the hottest peppers I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t know what it was but it made me feel like I was going to cry. It took sticking my tongue against the vent in the car for 5 minutes, a huge bottle of Yoohoo, and a cookie to even begin to get rid of the burning taste on my tongue. Oh my freaking goodness. Severe painnnnn :(
Well, that’s it, tumblr. I just thought you should know.
Some people’s Youtube comments really put me in migraine-mode. I don’t even know why I bother reading them when I watch videos. I just always end up scrolling down and getting frustrated. There are so many ridiculously dumb people in this world.
For example, Eminem and Rihanna’s brand new video for their song “Love the Way You Lie” just came out and it features Megan Fox portraying a woman who is trapped in an abusive relationship. It’s the kind of relationship where everything is just extreme and passionate but not passionate in a good way. The kind where the girl can’t leave because she’s still holding on to the few good times there are and she has her own reasons that no one can understand. She doesn’t know how to get help and she doesn’t know how to fix her life because to her, it’s gone too far downhill. The relationship is abusive mentally, physically, and emotionally. Anyway, some idiot left a comment on the music video on Youtube saying that Megan Fox is wrong for acting in this video because she’s “supporting” abuse and Rihanna is wrong for singing about it. EXCUSE ME BUT I THINK THE POINT OF THE SONG AND VIDEO IS TO SHOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE IN THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP AND THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT IT’S LIKE UNLESS YOU’RE IN IT. They’re obviously not supporting it! They’re 100% against it! They’re showing the irrationality in the thinking of both the guy and the girl! They’re showing that it’s not a way to live and that you shouldn’t settle! This idiot also goes onto say that Rihanna is a terrible role model for singing about something like this. Sorry, but I think she’s doing something incredible by singing about this subject! And also, Megan Fox freaking donated the money that she would have made off the video to a women’s shelter. So shut the hell up! And another stupid person decided that Eminem is actually glorifying this type of relationship. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?! I’m pretty sure that isn’t what he’s doing and instead he’s doing the exact opposite by revealing the pain behind it! Stop being so stupid and learn how to read between the lines!
Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize we’re floating in space?
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
Let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It’s hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don’-go down
It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Gen’s baby shower is this coming up Saturday! I still can’t believe my brother is going to be a dad. Time has been flying faster and faster over the past couple of years. Anyway, I just know that he and Gen are going to be amazing parents to that little girl and I can’t wait to be an aunt :D !
I fly back to Syracuse next Wednesday, the 25th, and move into my apartment on the 26th! I can’t wait to see my roommate - Camellia! :))))
I think I’ve finally registered for the classes I need to be registered for. It was such a mess before. But now I’m in three psych classes (which sounds crazy, but I’m a psych major so it makes sense), one philosophy class, and a class called “Persons in Social Context.” I really wanted to get into the criminal justice class to jump-start getting my forensics minor, but the last seats were reserved. Anyway, this should be interesting. I don’t think I’m done yet though. I’m not completely satisfied. I found out there’s this poetry workshop that you can take as a course and the professor is this award-winning author and you have to submit a piece to be considered. I really want to try to get into that. I miss writing poetry and if I got into this course, I could get the chance to really let my writing grow and transform. I seriously don’t think I’d get in at all, but it’s worth a shot. Oh and so far, I don’t have classes on Fridays! YES!
I’m growing apart from certain people who were once my closest friends. They didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. It just goes that way. Drifting, drifting. And the weird part is that it doesn’t bother me at all. You’re going to keep friendships with the people who you’re meant to keep around. That’s alright.
Also, I’m beginning to realize that I don’t need a lot of people in my life to make me happy. My family brings a great deal of joy to my life and all I need is a very small group of friends to bring the rest. Life has become so much simpler and at the same time more complex after high school. Not simple in the boring way. Just in the sense that the petty things don’t get to me and I don’t feel the need to impress people or give them a certain idea of me. I don’t need to maintain things about myself just for others. As for the complex aspect, that’s for the responsibilities I have being on my own and so far away from home and just understanding that I have a lot of freedom that I can’t jeopardize. College is great. And as trite as this sounds, it really is the perfect time to learn more about yourself and to grow as a person overall. Way cheesy but very true. I can truly see why my brothers always tell me to enjoy it as much as I can because “the real world sucks” (of course they mean having a serious career and settling down). They love what they do but it’s not the same as college. Your experiences there are going to be remembered for the rest of your life. We’re kids and not kids at the same time. It’s an interesting point in our lives. We’ve gotta make the most of it and steer clear of screwing up. Four of the most important years of our lives. Stressful to think about but I’m ready for Round Two. I can’t believe I’m a freaking sophomore now. When did that happen?
I don’t have any more of my favorite pens. I need a smooth pen to start working on poems in the cool journal I bought the other day. It’s all in the pen, man. The right pen has a lot of power. A mission for tomorrow.